Building a Strong Surrogate Relationship

Surrogates play a crucial role in helping intended parents realize their dream of having a baby and are often open to maintaining a lifelong connection. Building a solid surrogate relationship is vital, and it involves several elements, including trust, communication, setting boundaries, and flexibility.

This article will guide intended parents on matching with a surrogate and fostering a great relationship.

Creating a Strong Connection from the Beginning

Intended parents start building the relationship with their surrogate at the very beginning during the matching phase. This phase is critical to set the foundation for a positive journey. The following tips will help guide you during this phase:

  1. Be Open and Transparent: Honesty is the foundation of a robust surrogate relationship. Share openly about yourselves, your hobbies, and your relationship. Likewise, encourage your surrogate to do the same. Authenticity builds trust.
  2. Avoid ‘Why Choose Us’ Messages: During the matching process, steer clear of messages that pressure the surrogate into choosing you. Instead, focus on introductions and building a connection through genuine conversation.
  3. Stay Positive: Avoid negative comments about other intended parents, their background, or sexual orientation. Negativity can be a turn-off for many surrogates.
  4. Respect Her Decision Process: Refrain from pressuring the surrogate to make a quick decision or engage in frequent calls or Skype sessions. Give her the space and time to make an informed choice without feeling rushed or uncomfortable.
  5. Don’t Ask About Other Matches: It’s not advisable to inquire about how many intended parents she’s in contact with or to put undue pressure by claiming she’s your only hope. Let her choose you based on a genuine connection, not out of sympathy.
  6. Handle Rejections Gracefully: If a surrogate chooses someone else, refrain from making rude comments about her choice or accusing her of false hopes.

Once you find a match, building a solid relationship with your surrogate can significantly enhance your surrogacy journey. It’s not just about having a baby; it’s about creating a lasting and meaningful connection.

relationship with surrogate

Trust: The Foundation of the Surrogate Relationship

Trust is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. It’s not about blind trust but rather creating an environment where surrogates feel trusted and intended parents feel confident that their baby is in capable hands.

Trust her decisions concerning the pregnancy, and don’t try to control everything. She’s experienced and knows what’s best. Trust lays the foundation for a positive and meaningful surrogacy experience.

Effective Communication: Nurturing the Surrogate Relationship

Clear and open communication is essential for fostering a healthy relationship. During the matching process, explore compatibility regarding communication expectations and needs. Understanding how much and what type of communication your surrogate prefers is crucial. Equally important is articulating your own communication preferences. Maintaining open lines of communication means taking a genuine interest in your surrogate’s life beyond the pregnancy, allowing a deeper connection to develop.

In private surrogacy, there’s no agency to help. Open communication is critical when looking for an independent match.

Setting Boundaries: The Importance of Realistic Expectations

While the excitement of starting a surrogacy journey can be overwhelming, it’s crucial not to make promises you cannot keep. Sometimes, intended parents may be caught up in the “honeymoon phase” and inadvertently reveal things or make commitments they later regret. Taking it slow, being warm and authentic, and setting clear boundaries are essential for establishing a healthy and sustainable surrogate relationship.

Flexibility: Acknowledging the Surrogate’s Life

Surrogate mothers often have busy lives outside of their surrogacy commitment. They juggle responsibilities like caring for their own children, managing their relationships, holding down jobs, and more. While your journey to parenthood is understandably a top priority, it’s essential to recognize that your surrogate has a multifaceted life. Flexibility in your expectations and understanding of her priorities demonstrates respect and empathy, contributing to a smoother surrogate relationship.

The Impact of a Strong Surrogate Relationship

No two surrogacy experiences are the same. You need to find the right relationship that works for you and your surrogate mother.

But… why is creating a good relationship with your surrogate mother so important? Your relationship has an incredible impact on:

  1. The Baby: Children who know about their birth story may develop a stronger sense of self-identity as they know their origins.
  2. The pregnancy: During the pregnancy, intended parents and surrogate mothers will make decisions that will impact her and the baby. It’s essential to have an open dialogue based on trust.
  3. The surrogate: Surrogate mothers who have successful experiences with their intended parents may either repeat and make a sibling journey or decide to help other intended parents.
  4. The intended parents: A healthy relationship with your surrogate will facilitate communication and help her share her feelings.

The most important thing is that you both enjoy the surrogacy journey.

Surrogacy allows a person who was once a stranger to care for a baby during pregnancy and, after birth, place the child into the arms of the intended parents.

Regardless of how the relationship evolves after the delivery, there will always be a special bond between the surrogate and the new parents.


Building a solid surrogate relationship is essential to a successful surrogacy journey. It’s a journey that’s made more meaningful when both parties actively participate, communicate openly, and cultivate trust and respect. Ultimately, the goal is to create an environment where everyone can cherish and enjoy this journey, knowing they have positively impacted each other’s lives.

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Written by David
I work daily to make surrogacy available to as many intended parents, surrogate mothers and egg donors around the world as possible.

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