How to talk about surrogacy

Some tips on how to talk to your friends and relatives about your surrogacy/egg donation journey, especially once it’s time to announce the pregnancy.

Every friend/family network is different so these advices might not apply but some could be helpful to talk about surrogacy:

    • Do a full disclosure to everyone at the same time so as to preempt confusion, talking behind your backs or uncomfortable questions. You can write a post in blog about your journey (you can use free platforms like WordPress, Blogger, Weebly, etc). Leave out any unnecessary details that you don’t want to share. Link this post to your announcement (i.e. in Facebook) which would be shorter and sweet. If you are a heterosexual couple, you can do very clear in the announcement that your wife/spouse/partner is not pregnant and you are expecting through surrogacy, then link to the whole long story which even can include a FAQ at the end because a lot of people don’t really understand how surrogacy works so you lay out the basics.
    • Do the announcement in the different phases, in the beginning you can tell people that you are really close to. The ones that you would want to be there if anything bad were to happen. Probably, you will find that the more people you tell the easier the journey is because you realize that you are not alone. Try to be as open as possible about your journey. It’s is up to you when to share your story on Facebook or with the larger group of friend, to be in the safe side you can wait until you are through the first trimester. It’s important when you make the announce that you make it really clear that you are using a surrogate mother and tell enough of the story so that people don’t need to ask questions. Also you can talk about your surrogate’s motivations for becoming a surrogate mother. It makes the process so much easier. You can attach to your announcement a photo where your surrogate is included
    • If you don’t find comfortable sharing your story on Facebook you can write a letter or email. Probably your family and close friends know about your journey all along, but at some point you will need to explain to others, including potentially some who do not agree. When you prepare your email, you can say what most birth announcements say, that you (and your husband/wife) are excited to welcome a baby, but due to medical issues you are using a gestational carrier. You thank them for their support and welcome any questions that they might have.

about surrogacyWhatever option you choose remember:

      • Be as open as possible when you talk about surrogacy.
      • Don’t tell anything you don’t feel comfortable with.
      • Don’t hide that you are pursuing a surrogacy process and you are being helped by a surrogate mother.

Probably you will be incredibly nervous about negative responses, but in general after doing this kind of announcements there is nothing but overwhelming support. Most people will be very supportive and (and for sure they have a lot of questions about the process).

Good Luck!

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Written by Stephen Ashe
I work daily to make surrogacy available to as many intended parents, surrogate mothers and egg donors around the world as possible.

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