You will be on this journey with your surrogate for the next year or more. Creating a strong relationship will go a long way toward a successful surrogacy journey. This article should help intended parents match and build a great relationship with their surrogate.
When Trying to Find a Surrogate Mother
- Be open, transparent and honest during the match, and your surrogate mother will do the same.
- When going through the matching process, avoid messages like ‘you should choose us because’. Just introduce yourself, talk about your hobbies and your relationship and ask the surrogate about hers. She is probably not going to choose based on an email, but rather after she has spoken to you a few times.
- Avoid making negative comments about other IPs, their country of origin or sexual orientation. This is a big turn off for most surrogates.
- Try to not put pressure on the surrogate to match quickly or to call. It is not recommended for a surrogate to Skype with all Intended Parents that contact her, because it makes it much harder for her to choose and puts her in a very uncomfortable situation, to have to deal with so many heartbreaks, when she has to choose one couple/person.
- Avoid asking a surrogate how many Intended Parents she is speaking to and pressuring her by saying that she is the only one you are talking to/only hope at this point, as that puts a lot of pressure on her. You definitely would want a surrogate that’s in it because she feels a connection to you, not because she feels bad for you. It is also a challenging process for her to find intended parents.
- If a surrogate informs you that they have chosen someone else, avoid rude comments about the IPs she has chosen, or accusing her of giving false hopes.
After the Match
- Becoming a surrogate mother is a gift unlike any other. It is important to make the surrogate feel like she has your support and love. Using “my lawyer said” for everything is not a very good idea, especially when it comes to a small gesture of gratitude.
- Surrogates know that it’s your baby, so you need to trust that they know what they are doing. All surrogates have gone through this before, and telling them how much sleep they need, or questioning what they eat 24/7, is overwhelming and makes them feel like they are more of an employee.
- Making a surrogate feel bad for miscarriage is the most hurtful thing someone can do. Miscarriages happen, but no one will ever blame themselves more than the person carrying the child and blaming/shaming or saying mean things to them, following a miscarriage, it is the most devastating thing you can do, as hard as it is for you, you need to show her compassion, love, and support because it’s not her fault.
- By taking the time to deeply get to know your surrogate mother, you can build a solid friendship that lasts beyond the birth of your baby.