Most surrogate mothers talk about this with their intended parents before the baby comes, and really they just want what is agreed upon between them.
In the first 6 months, most surrogates seem to want a bit more contact, you have to remember that not only do they have the separation from the baby that they have helped to create and worked so hard to bring into this world, but when the baby comes and the communication dies down between surrogate and IPs there is often more separation anxiety felt by the surrogates (especially the single surrogates, from what it seems) so they basically want the contact with you so they don’t get overwhelmed with both separations at once…and it helps to make them feel less like a baby machine.
In the first couple weeks after the baby is born, most would like some interaction with you as a family; it helps confirm their beliefs in surrogacy when they are able to see the love that they have helped to create. But they don’t want to be overwhelmed with your presence, a few hours a day is enough.
Most surrogates want to stay in contact after but this can be simple things like sending pictures every couple of months, or as most seem to think simply staying in contact through being Facebook friends, so they can watch your child grow and live with you.
While they understand the excitement of a new baby, they would also like to feel like they still matter to their Intended Parents and be asked how they are feeling or if there is anything they need.
This is often contingent upon the relationship between surrogate mothers and their Intended Parents, some will have more contact…in most cases after the first year contact probably changes to occasional contact and that it seems to be the normal way things go. Below you will find some advice:
Weeks 0-2:
Daily contact, surrogates want to confirm they made the right choice and they also want to see that they were more than just a baby carrier.
Weeks 3-6:
Contact every couple days, this seems to be more about the relationship between IPs and surrogates then about the baby, as the body starts to heal, they will begin to feel the separation they have from the relationship with the Intended Parents.
Weeks 6-24:
Contact once or twice a week is fine. Most surrogate mothers are back to their normal routine by this point and find its really nice to get short texts like “how are you doing?” or receiving milestone photos of the baby, as it grows through stages like rolling over, sitting up, crawling, laughing- it reminds them of the joys they experienced with their own children while they hit those milestones. It shows and validates their choice in you as an Intended Parents.
After 6 months:
Contact will die down in most cases (unless you have developed a strong bond with your surrogate mother, which happens occasionally) to special occasions and an occasional hello. Most surrogates are more than happy with a few times a year at this point. And most are content with just remaining Facebook friends where they can see your child grow and see the family love through your posts.
This is definitely something that we recommend you talk about with your surrogate, at the end it all depends on your relationship with her. Treat your surrogate mother with respect. There is no hard and fast rule about doing this. Just go with the flow and treat her as you would treat a friend.
It’s also important to remember that if your surrogate mother has a great experience, she’ll be keener to help other intended parents!
